Released from Prison

This post represents both a triumph and a great sadness. A triumph because I have overcome terrible adversity and appalling bad luck to return, conqueror like, to the scene of my fame and glory. But sadness because, in my long absence, I missed the one reader who has seen fit to record her appreciation of my genius: 'good words', she quipped in a comment to an earlier post. This tremendous and spirited acclaimation of my brilliance is as overdue as it is true. But let me explain myself.

After the terrible misunderstanding outlined in my previous post last year, I had the misfortune to be declared mentally unstable. This seemed to be most unfair, especially as I was said to be 'obsessed with surfing the internet' and 'addicted to blogging', accusations which show a fundamental misunderstandng of the purpose of this blog. It's a blog which expresses my hatred for bloggers, every one of whom is a self-obsessed and deluded fantasist, trapped in the prison of their imagined importance. But these pleas were unheard, and I was sentenced to be incarcerated 'for my own good'. I had apparently become a danger to others, a conclusion which was no doubt based on the video evidence of me making suggestive gestures from the back of a public bus - footage which was taken without my knowledge and presented in court completely without context. Confronted with the potential failure of my historic mission to write a blog which exposes the idiocy and stupidity of bloggers, I broke down and wept. 'Will no one think of the blog?', I wimpered, which was all the evidence my anatgonists said they needed to prove their point.

And so I found myself in a rehabilitation centre. I was told that my problem with blogging could be solved by talking, just as other people's probems with incoherent and excessive talking to no-one in particular could be similarly solved by blogging. 'You no sense make!', I twittered, and I was therefore initially mistaken for a 'problem-talker' rather than a 'binge-blogger'. The centre, you see, specialised in disorders relating to the intenet: it even ran an on-line support service for people addicted to web-surfing. The philosophy of the place was 'There is no problem that cannot be solved, or caused, by the internet'.

I won't bore you with the details. But suffice to say, it's an system which combines screaming therepy, cannabis smoking , rhythmic leaping and interpretive dance to inspire some truly unworldly and harrowing forms of behaviour. And the good news is that, a year later, I'm basically cured of my obsession with blogs and blogging. It's such good news, that I wanted to tell you straight away, within the first few hours of my release.